Notes from chapter 8 of
David Keirsey’s book, Please Understand
Me II.
In our natural zeal to discourage
moral weeds from springing up we risk discouraging mental flowers from growing,
our parental herbicides killing the good and the bad indiscriminately. The root
of the problem is that parents tend to assume that their children are pretty
much the same as they are—extensions of their own personality who will
naturally follow in their footsteps. But the temperament hypothesis suggests
that, in many cases, children are fundamentally different from their parents
and need to develop in entirely different directions, so that their mature
personalities can take their rightful form. Indeed, parents of other
temperament who assume that they share their child’s experience of life—that
they know what their child wants or needs, thinks or feels—are usually quite
wrong. Or worse.
Parents fail to realize that, from
the beginning, their children are very much their own persons and that no
amount of disconfirmation, attribution, or intrusion can change their inborn
structure. We must allow our children to become actually what they are
potentially; in other words, we must let nature take its course by giving our
children ample room to grow into their true, mature character.
A mature individual is one whose
latent attitudes and actions have become fully developed and habitual. Let us
remember that maturation in all [of the] facets of character is an evolving,
unfolding, branching, differentiating, expanding process. Organismic psychology
[teaches us] that we do not mature as a function of time alone, but that
maturation is stimulus induced, which is to say that our character growth must
be stimulated, aroused, awakened, and beckoned to come forth into the social
environment. Indeed, in the absence of stimulation there is no maturation. This means that the task of the parent is
stimulation. But stimulation of a special kind: stimulation that is both timely
and relevant to whatever attitudes and actions are ready to emerge. In psychology
this is called “the teachable moment; in enterprise, “the window of
opportunity.”
This means that overseeing Mother
Nature’s project—maturation—requires parents to become child watchers, not
child shapers, acting only when they detect a teachable moment or opportunity
to encourage the growth of some attitude or action that is consistent with the
child’s temperament. To do this,
however, parents must understand what these latent attitudes and actions are.
Only then can they find ways to help them unfold and develop. If parents do not
know what end to seek—their child’s innate character structure—then they cannot
know what means will help stimulate it.
Basic Differences
In trying to understand children of
any age we must bear in mind that they, like their parents, will lean toward
becoming either utilitarian or cooperative in how they use myriad tools of
civilization, and either concrete or abstract in how they communicate the
continuous messages of civil life.
First consider tool use. When bid by
parents and teachers to use tools in a conventional way, utilitarian children
(Artisan SPs and Rational NTs) usually wonder—and some of the bolder ones even
venture to ask—“why that way?” or “what’s the use of doing it that way?” For
example, to use their knives and forks in a socially correct manner at dinner
means little to SP and NT children, so if they act that way it is to keep out
of trouble and not an admission that it makes sense to them. Conventions in
eating are, after all, arbitrary, and differ radically in different cultures.
The mere fact that a given tool is used in a conventional way is not sufficient
reason for the utilitarians to use it that way; indeed, it doesn’t bother SP
and NT children at all to use tools in unconventional ways, and they don’t give
a second thought to ignoring traditions if they can get away with it.
On the other hand, that a given
tool is to be used in a conventional or traditional way, or simply because such
use is looked upon with favor by their elders, is usually sufficient reason for
Guardian SJ and Idealist NF children to conform. Cooperative children are not
at all comfortable with questioning authority and testing limits, and they seem
to want to know that they are pleasing others with their respect for convention.
Little SJs and NFs want to do what’s expected of them, and to fit in with
people around them, and so they are inclined to give great power to adults and
their rules, and are chary of going their own way and trying out what might be
useful changes in how to do things.
The development of word usage looks
a lot different from the development of tool usage. Artisan SP children, their
word usage predominately concrete, are very much like the Guardian SJ children
in this respect, and nothing like their utilitarian counterparts, the Rational
NT children. Also, both SPs and SJs tend to speak primarily to other children
rather than to adults, and they talk about toys and tools, and how to play with
them and make things with them. On the abstract side, Idealist NF children are
not at all similar to their cooperative cousins, the Guardian SJ children, in
the way they talk, but are more like Rational NT children in showing interest
in talking about imaginative thing, in hearing and reading stories, and in
talking and listening to adults. Stories especially are the NT and NF
children’s joy—and from very early in their lives—but particularly stories of
fantasy and far-flung imagination, stories such as fables, myths, and fairy
tales, stories filled with magic and sorcery, and with metaphors and symbols.
Rational and Idealist kids can be captured by such fanciful stories even before
they have the vocabulary to understand what they are hearing, in some cases
before the age of two, and will often ask for their parents to repeat them
again and again.
The net effect of all this exposure
to make-believe is that the fantasy life and abstract vocabulary of Rational
and Idealist children grow faster than that of Artisan and Guardian children.
Of course, concrete children want to hear stories too, but they tend to prefer
straightforward stories about the familiar and the factual, stories with lots
of action and realistic details, adventure stories and animal stories, folk
tales and Mother Goose stories—“The Three Little Pigs” is a good example. And
yet even these stories don’t have quite the pull for little SPs and SJs that
any and all stories do for NTs and NFs. In fact, if given the chance, concrete
children will rather easily abandon story time for playtime or activity time
In the same way, because Artisan
and Guardian youngsters spend their time playing with toys and making things
with tools, they acquire a concrete vocabulary and a repertoire of instrumental
actions earlier than Idealists and Rationals do. Of course, the relatively few
NT and NF children found here and there certainly enjoy toys and handicrafts,
but their abstract style of play is markedly different fomr that of SPs and
SJs. For example, toys for a concrete child are likely to retain their
character—a truck remains a truck, to be used to move dirt, or to deliver
things, or to run up and down a road. An NT or NF child, on the other hand,
might well turn the truck into a submarine, or a dinosaur, or a flying chariot.
And tricycle becomes an ice cream maker, and large cardboard boxes become
architectural spaces, and a wardrobe becomes a passageway to a secret world (as
in C. S. Lewis’s Narnia stories), and
so on.
Again, what is the task—indeed, the responsibility—of parents? First,
they must bring themselves to abandon the perspective that says, “my children
are, underneath, just like me.” And then they must begin to acquaint themselves
with the nature of the character differences in as much details as they can
manage. Only by doing so can they hope to facilitate their children’s growth
rather than impede it.
The Artisan Child
·
SP children are indeed excitable, able to get excited more quickly and to stay excited
longer than other types of children. But just as they are easily wound up, so too are they easily bored, and thus seem ever on the lookout for some sort of
risky business or mischief to get into, just to keep things interesting.
·
They need
physical movement and novelty, and they love contests.
·
Likely to give their attention for hours on end,
and then to stop and move on to the next thing that interest them.
·
To be proud of themselves Artisans must be
graceful in some form of tactical behavior.
o
Parents would do well to see to it that their little SPs have many chances
to develop some kind of fluency of physical action, so that they can see
themselves, and be seen by others, as artistic in some manner.
·
As for self-respect, SP children regard themselves highly when in the degree that they are
bold and daring.
o All
things considered, boldness in Artisan
children is better encouraged than put down, otherwise they will have
little respect for themselves and may take up destructive habits.
·
Self-confident
in the degree they see themselves as being adaptable, able to fit smoothly
into any situation that they care to enter, whether with their peer groups or
with adults in charge.
o In
their own families, however, Artisan
from infancy can be seen testing the limits of their immediate environment—and
not being very charming about it.
§
So there
are two sides to the development of self-confidence in Artisan children; (1)
they want to be smooth and sophisticated outside of the home, (2) but are often defiant and contrary
with their parents.
·
Little SPs respond
to sensory details, noting vividness and variety of colors, sounds, tastes,
and so on, which mean they are apt to
enjoy coloring books, music, and to be what are called “good eaters.”
·
They are likely
to enjoy animals, although they will often be rough with them, just as they
are usually rather hard on their toys
and clothes, and should be given sturdy, well-made objects that can stand a
lot of wear and tear.
·
While showing off is gratifying to some of the
other types of children, it is more than gratifying to Artisans—showing off is exhilarating to them.
They hunger for chances to stand out,
to make a big splash, to hot dog it, and they are more likely to brag about their accomplishments than others.
·
The fun of living in the moment means not paying
attention to schedules or planning for the future.
·
Having a good time for an SP child also means
getting into messes.
·
Artisans are
less likely than other types to understand demands for clean rooms or neat and
orderly closets.
o This
carefree, hedonic attitude often leads to a scolding from exasperated parents,
but usually to no avail. Early on SP children learn to be indifferent to such reprimands, which usually come too many and too
soon.
·
Naturally impulsive
and insubordinate.
·
Need no encouragement to be bold and adventurous and
to take up sports of all kinds.
The Guardian Child
·
SJ children are concerned about many things, keeping their toys nice, picking up
their rooms, helping around the house, pleasing their parents and teachers, and
at times this concern can turn to worry and fear that they aren’t being responsible enough.
·
Guardian children are proud of themselves when they show their elders that they can be
depended on to do what is expected of them, that they are trustworthy and
accountable for all that they should or should not.
·
Guardian children build their self-esteem on their dependability.
·
Doing their best loses appeal if adult approval
is not forthcoming
o Far
more than the other types, SJ children
will respond to scolding and negative criticism, which can make them try
all the more.
·
Guardian self-respect
seems to be enhanced when they are serving others.
o Self-respect
can fade away rapidly and be replaced by guilt feelings if they have been less
than helpful.
·
Self-confidence
depends in great part on being commended for good behavior.
·
Guardian children are the most cautious, looking twice and even thrice
before they leap, and therefore seldom leaping.
·
There’s no place like home for Guardian
children, and if they go on some sort of trip they are likely to feel homesick more quickly than the rest, and to want to
cut the vacation short.
·
SJ children respond
happily to well-established, clearly defined routines that bring them
predictability.
o Need
to know what is so today will be so tomorrow.
·
Put their trust
in authority, and this trust never wanes.
·
Most
comfortable following the rules, doing what they’re told, meeting the
expectations and the demands of those in authority.
·
More than being secure and legitimate,
Guardians, of any age, must belong. There are few loners among Guardian
children. Indeed, SJs seem to have a
lifelong hunger for belonging, and the more memberships—and the more
recognized status in their social groups—they can collect along the path to
maturity, the better.
·
Take to family like ducks to water.
o Divorce
is particularly devastating to them, and teenage and preteenage suicides are
far more prevalent among Guardians than all the other types combined.
·
Quite often the family’s worry warts.
·
Pessimism is usually not apparent in Guardian
children because they are likely to keep
their fears to themselves.
The Idealist Child
·
Whether positive or negative, their feelings are
easily aroused and sometimes expressed with surprising vehemence. Even at an
early age Idealist children seem to be fired with a passionate intensity, and are hardly
able to keep quiet about their thoughts and feelings.
·
NF children seem to have a natural talent for relating intimately with others.
·
They look
forward to learning in school with keen anticipation.
·
Take
pride in their ability to maintain and enhance empathetic relationships with
their friends and loved ones.
·
NF children are apt to be almost hypersensitive to the feelings of those closest to
them.
·
Devastated
by conflict.
·
If their parents spank them, NF children can be
deeply hurt, and far more by the cruelty of the punishment than by the pain
inflicted.
·
Base
their self-respect on their capacity for feeling benevolent toward others.
·
Even as young as five, Idealist children build their self-confidence on being
authentic.
·
NF youngsters need their parents to recognize their uniqueness and to personally
acknowledge their significance in order to feel they are a valuable family
member in their own right.
o NF
kids thrive on an abundance of
personalized attention, and the messages they need most are those that say,
“You are special; I value you; you are important to me.”
·
The most
trusting of all types.
o Trust
authority to a great extent, though their participation tends to be personal
and enthusiastic (as opposed to the SJs being more dutiful and solemn).
·
Idealist kids
trust the voice of their intuition more than any other of the guides to
action.
·
Will make
up stories and recount them with vivid imagery.
o At
times, indeed, they may be accused of
lying when in fact they are only exercising their romantic imagination.
·
Some caution should be exercised in monitoring
the reading material of NF children who can easily become over-stimulated by the disturbing imagery in stories
of dragons, witches, ogres, and monsters—all of which can resurface in their
nightmares.
o
Parents should try to steer their little Idealists toward stories that
have happy endings, with heroes winning, and even villains having a change of
heart in the end.
·
Harmonious
human relationships are more important to them than anything else.
·
NFs are apt to enjoy non-mechanical toys—soft hand puppets, dolls, stuffed
animals—to which they can attach human personality.
·
Idealists are more likely than other types to
have an invisible companion.
o And
certainly the rejection or ridicule of this imaginary friend by others would
especially crush an NF child, who would feel personally rejected.
·
Peacemakers
within their peer groups.
·
Begin wondering about the meaning of life long
before other types.
·
Tend to
get lost in abstraction and self-absorbed search for meanings and portents.
The Rational Child
·
The calm,
tranquil ones.
·
Rational children, especially reserved ones, can seem distant and detached, as if
unable or at least reluctant to express affection.
o But
this does not mean that these children are unemotional, for behind their quiet self-possession can be
mounting tension from the effort to control their emotions.
·
NT children are erratic about the way they maintain their room and clothes.
·
Apt to
have extensive collections: rocks, animal artifacts, coins, stamps,
butterflies, and the like; anything that can be collected and which requires
technical documentation and classification is apt to have appeal for the NT
child.
·
Base
their self-esteem on their cleverness and inventiveness.
·
Have a
special fondness for busy boards, for construction sets of all kinds (Legos,
Lincoln Logs, etc.), and the males will turn almost any object into a weapon of
some sort.
·
NTs will spend days learning maps and defeating
the enemies in the latest Nintendo adventure.
o Witness
how proud NT children are of themselves when they have mastered any of these
strategic operations, but also observe their total frustration when they find
one of these high-tech activities beyond their grasp. How ashamed they feel,
already blaming themselves for their stupidity.
§ Because of this, parents and
teachers are unwise to set Rational children tasks which are beyond them, or to
criticize their failures. More than all the other types, NT kids are
self-doubting, and for them to feel proud of themselves they must feel smart.
They are particularly vulnerable here, with too much failure undermining their
self-esteem.
· Parents and teachers must thus
take care: helping NT children when they ask for help, offering them
encouragement (not praise), giving them play activities and material
appropriate to their development level, these allow them to grow up with
self-esteem intact.
·
NTs have an entirely different base of
self-respect: they must be autonomous.
Rational children don’t like to be governed or directed by others—told how to
think, or act, or feel—and they will stubbornly oppose parents or older
siblings who try to manipulate them.
o This
is why being spanked is so deeply violating to Rationals; they see this abuse
of their body as an unforgiving assault on their autonomy, and their
indignation is extreme and permanent.
o Rational
kids want to think, act, feel for themselves, to be independent and self-sufficient,
to figure out things for themselves, to go their own way.
o Rationals
self-respect is diminished as long as they feel such dependency, and they
experience a growing sense of guilt the longer they remain dependant.
·
Family routines are arbitrary and as such are
bound to be questioned by the budding Rational. Particularly as a child, the NT want to know the reason for doing
something; if none is forthcoming, the child is at least hesitant, if not
reluctant, to do it.
o Routinizing
NT children takes longer than for the other types, so NTs can profit from coaching in the social niceties.
§
Rational kids don’t see, for instance, what a
gold star on their work sheet has to do with them, or anyone else for that
matter. And being in receipt of such trifles does not bolster their
self-confidence in the least. But strength of will does, and it can show
up in NT children very early in their lives.
·
Rational
children feel confident in the degree that when they resolve to do something
they are able to hold to their resolve.
o Their
self-doubt increases directly as their resolution decreases.
·
Rational children wish to learn how things work.
·
Rationals pursue knowledge, wondering “What
would happen if…?” and attempting to find the answer, whether their parents
approve or not.
o None
of these explorations are designed to annoy their parents, but to satisfy their
desire to find out.
· Parents do well to be patient
and to provide Rational children with answers to their questions, but also to
give them abundant opportunities to experiment, to find out, and to develop
their own answers.
o
To encourage logical investigation, parents should furnish the NT child
with a variety of toys, but only a few at any one time, since the Rational
tends to concentrate fully on one thing, explore it to his or her satisfaction,
and then move on to the next.
o
Shutting off investigation is likely to occasion disobedience, whether
overt or covert.
· Most important of all, parents would
do well to read to their Rational child.
o
Though they will often need encouragement later on in life to put down
their books and enjoy themselves—even risk themselves—now and then.
·
Rational children remember every instance in which authority fails to be trustworthy, so that by the time
their teens there has grown in many of them an active and permanent distrust of
authority (as opposed to the Guardians), and in some cases a large measure of
contempt.
o Neither
do Rational children put much trust in their intuition (as do Idealists), nor
their impulses (as do Artisans). For their part, Rationals learn to have more
and more trust in reason as the
basis of action.
·
“Do it
if, and only if, it makes sense” is the NT motto.
o Rational
children will go along with a parent or
teacher only if their demands make
sense, and they quickly lose respect for those who are not reasonable in
their rules and reprimands.
·
NT kids can sometime demand more of themselves
than they can deliver, so that tension builds as they struggle to rid
themselves of error.
o Once
calm and focused, they now become overly tense and high-strung, impatient with
everything and everyone around them.
·
Rational kids like nothing better than tinkering and experimenting with any and all
devices—anything that can be activated, anything that stores energy which
can be released by a touch or a turn or a yank or a pull.
·
They seem to want to spend as little effort as possible in getting the desired
result, already seeming to be
frustrated with wasted effort.
o Though
sometimes seen as laziness, this is a wrong assumption; rather, it is a focus on efficiency.
·
NT kids have
their doubts about almost everything told to them, and must look critically
at any plan of action, particularly if based on custom or tradition.
o
This means that rational children need help in understanding that
customs and traditions are important to other people, and to the smooth
operation of society.
Parent and
Child
So: the first task of parents is to recognize the different
characters of their children. But parents must also recognize the role their
own character plays in their way of bringing up their children.
The Artisan Liberator
Artisans
are usually more permissive with their children than
other types, and prone to overindulge
more than to overprotection, and to under-supervision
more than to over-supervision.
Operator
Artisans (ESTPs & ISTPs) pay less attention to their children’s decorum and
physical and safety needs, and more attention to their fun and games and
adventures. At times they can be
over-extravagant with their children, quite unpredictably showering them
with expensive toys and taking them on pleasure trips. At other time, they can be very strict, and even on
occasion even harsh with their
children, particularly when they tell them to do something—they want no questions asked and will tolerate
no back talk.
Entertainer
Artisans (ESFPs & ISFPs), in contrast, are usually obliging and easygoing
with their children, themselves very much like children in wanting to have fun
now and getting down to business later on. It is hard for them to be strict with their children, but they can
compensate for this by being very clever
in managing them so that they do not get too far out of line. Their
children soon learn that they are not as cleaver as their parents and have a
hard time fooling them, whereas they find it much easier to hoodwink adults of
other types.
Artisan
Parent—Artisan Child:
·
SP children need no encouragement to be bold and
adventurous and to take up sports of all kinds.
·
Artisan parents can be so taken with their
Artisan children that they fail to give them sufficient limits, reinforcing
instead their children’s natural impulsiveness and insubordination.
o As
a result, their children might puch too close to the edge and get into jams; or
they might come to expect indulgence and lenience from adults, and thus have
trouble with authority.
Artisan
Parent—Guardian Child:
·
If SP parents expect (or demand) boldness and
impetuosity from their SJ children, they will only frighten and inhibit them,
and teach them they are a failure.
Artisan
Parent—Idealist Child:
·
NF kids tend to get lost in abstraction and a
self-absorbed search for meanings and portents, and the SP’s warm embrace of
immediacy can be an important lesson for them.
·
Artisan parents tend not to value in their
Idealist children such important traits as authenticity, empathy, and altruism,
and in the worst case the parent might show impatience with the child for being
so soul-searching, so head-in-the-clouds, or so lost in fantasy, and might want
the child to toughen up and take hold of reality.
Artisan
Parent—Rational Child:
·
The SP parents’ hands-off style is perfect for
NT children, who, after all, want to be independent—to have no hand put on
them. Moreover, both parent and child share in a strong and ever-present desire
to function usefully and to increase their powers, however much their reasons
for doing so differ
·
Rational children need no encouragement to learn
new skills and know-how; they’ll do that on their own.
o But
they do need encouragement to put down their books and to enjoy themselves—even
to risk themselves—now and then.
The Guardian
Socializer
Guardian
parents are mainly concerned with
socializing their children. They want their children to do their best to do
their duty, and thus to be increasingly helpful and productive at school, at
church, at social functions, and certainly at gatherings of the extended
family—to become fully a part of their communities. But Guardian parents also
want their children to value their duty and want to obey.
Administrator
Guardians (ESTJs & ISTJs) tend to be strict
parents because their main concern
is that their children do what is right and not do what is wrong. They
regard it as their obligation to the family and the community to keep their
children under watchful eye lest they stray from the fold. Their children must
behave in a seemly manner and must not do things that reflect badly on the
family. These are the parents who believe
that punishment is the best way to keep their kids in line, and they will
at times resort to corporal punishment to get their point across—to spare the
rod, they believe, is to spoil the child.
Conservator
Guardians (ESFJs & ISFJs) are usually less strict than Administrator
Guardians, and this is because they are more
concerned with looking after the children than they are in keeping them in the
straight and narrow. First their children are to be well fed, clothed, and
sheltered, and only then held to a strict standard of acceptable conduct. So
conscientious are these parents in providing for the physical and safety needs
of their children that they can sometimes be overprotective, willing to sacrifice their own comforts to safeguard
their children from the world of hard knocks. For this reason Conservator
Guardian parents are not given to
spanking their children, though they are very likely to scold them when their conduct is improper or they are
disobedient. If they do spank their kids (and often they must, to be good
parents), they will say “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” with the little
culprits wondering what on earth they mean by this.
Guardian
Parent—Artisan Child:
·
In most cases SJ parents and their SP children
get along famously, especially while the kids are young, a short leash being
just the thing for the normally impetuous little Artisan puppies. But the
picture can change quickly.
o Scolding
and spankings can usually backfire, as Artisan children get older, sometimes
with disastrous consequences. Most of this antagonism can be avoided if SJ
parents can support their SP children in productive activities—playing sports,
forming a rock band, using tools—that allow them to shine in action.
Guardian
Parent—Guardian Child:
·
Guardian children rarely have a rebellious
period, but seem to trust in authority, to follow rules, to be responsible, and
so fit with their Guardian parents hand-in-glove.
·
SJ kids would do well with a more carefree and
optimistic model from at least one of their parents. Also, traditional,
conservative Guardian parents often want their children to be quiet and in
their place—to be seen and not heard—as if children’s obedience and modesty
reflect on them as parents and show a proper upbringing.
o But
such humility can only serve to further inhibit SJ children, who are
over-controlled to begin with, and who often need encouragement to develop
venturesomeness.
Guardian
Parent—Idealist Child:
·
NF kids are naturally moral and eminently
cooperative.
·
It can bee irritating when SJ parents come along
and remind them to be reliable (which NFs naturally are), to do good deeds
(which NFs do because they have good intentions), and to be respectable (which
NFs are because they are naturally cooperative).
o The
unintended result of such intrusion is that the SJ parent, and not the NF
child, takes credit for the child’s good behavior, which can make the little
Idealist feel dominated and manipulated.
Guardian Parent—Rational
Child:
·
This relationship works out quite well when SJ
parents show regard for their little NTs’ fierce sense of autonomy.
o However,
discipline can be a knotty problem. If the SJ parent tries to admonish or
punish the Nt child into obedience, the child will feel personally violated and
will likely respond with growing contempt.
The Idealist
Harmonizer
NF
parents want to be intimately involved
in their children’s lives and the growth of a positive self-image, and so
make every effort to keep themselves in touch and en rapport with their children, even into adult life. Idealists are
the original touchy-feely parents,
and always hope to help their children feel good about themselves.
For
their part, Mentor Idealists (ENFJs & INFJs) tend to take on an active teaching and counseling role with their children,
and can be quite energetic in encouraging them to develop in all three aspects
of self-image—self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence.
Advocate
Idealist (ENFPs & INFPs) are also determined to foster a healthy self-image
in their children, and are ever alert for opportunities for cognitive and
social growth. But these Idealists, perhaps more intensely than their
counterparts, concern themselves with
their children’s moral and spiritual development, and so work to establish
an even closer bond of understanding with them, hoping to instill in their
children the purity of their own ideals.
Idealist
Parent—Artisan Child:
·
Idealist parents tend to be puzzled by the
Artisan child’s disinterest in fantasy and heart-to-heart sharing, and by the
accompanying paucity of empathy for other members of the family.
Idealist
Parent—Guardian Child:
·
Unable to figure out the child’s nature,
Idealist parents keep looking for signs of Idealism, convinced that the child
is going to value what they value.
Idealist Parent—Idealist
Child:
·
Idealist parents want to enhance the traits of
empathy, benevolence, and authenticity in all their offspring, and their
Idealist children are happy to meet them more than half way.
o At
the same time, NF kids and NF parents can easily rub each other the wrong way.
Both tend to be touchy and prickly in their relations with others, and when
their ideals come into conflict they can hardly avoid irritating each other.
Idealist Parent—Rational
Child:
·
There are many reported cases attesting to the strong
tie that can form between Rational children and their Idealist parent.
o And
yet this relationship is not quite made in heaven. Idealist parents can be
dismayed by the Rational child’s sometimes ruthless pragmatism and calm
autonomy.
·
Rational children aren’t about to change their
ways, and Idealist parents soon learn that they need to let their little
Rationals be, and value them for what they admire in them, their ingenuity,
imagination, curiosity, and calm reasonableness.
The Rational
Individuator
Rational
parents encourage an ever-increasing individuality in their children and do not
impose unreasonable rules on them. It is of paramount importance to NT parents
that each and every child in the family progressively increases his or her
repertoire of capabilities, and is ever more self-reliant in conducting his or
her life. Rational parents stand ready to assist their children in reaching
their potential, whatever it might be, but they will neither nag their children
nor shield them from the consequences of putting off the task of individual
development.
Many
Rationals figure out that, when their children abuse one of their privileges
(eating with family, playing with toys, etc., seeing these things are
privileges rather then rights), instead of scolding, admonishing, hitting, or
even reasoning with them, all they need to do is simply remove the abused
privilege immediately and unconditionally for a set period of time, making sure
not to comment about their child’s behavior.
On
the one hand, Coordinator Rational (ENTJs & INTJs) leave nothing to chance
when it comes to watching over the maturation of their children. The parenting
books have been read, the parenting magazines have been subscribed to, the
parenting techniques have been researched and considered—the whole thing is
planned out well in advance with all important contingencies factored in. After
all, many of these NTs are capable of running large organizations, so running a
family is done with little difficulty and with little doubt as to the right
course to take.
On
the other hand, Engineer Rationals (ENTPs & INTPs) are more puzzled by
their children than they are certain of what to do with them. Unlike the pother
Rationals, they have few if any set plans for raising their children, but simply
wonder how it is with each of them, and try to find out by watching them and
asking questions of them. These NTs are the least given to making their
children like them—the only thing they expect of their children is that their
children expect things of themselves. They figure that if they are reasonable
with their children and do their best to help them grow they will turn out OK
in the long run.
Rational
Parent—Artisan Child:
·
The pragmatic perspective of Rational parents
serves them well in overseeing the maturation of an Artisan child.
·
Rational parents follow along in the trail of
their Artisan child’s impetuous doings and try their best to corral the child
with firm limits which can stand up to the child’s inevitable and vigorous
testing.
o It
is in the case of the Artisan child that Rational parents can most effectively
apply the principle of logical consequences and the method of immediate and
unconditional removal of any privilege that the child abuses, however
accidental.
Rational Parent—Guardian
Child:
·
Rationals find their relationship to Guardian
children somewhat problematic and sometimes frustrating.
o Rational
parents are, in fact, bothered by their Guardian child’s attempts to fit in
socially.
·
It is well that Rational parents step aside and
let their mate oversee the maturation of the Guardian child into the pillar of
society he or she is meant to become.
Rational Parent—Idealist
Child:
·
Given neither to scolding nor to spanking their
children, Rational parents quickly learn that the thing to do with irritability
is to back off and quietly observe what transpires, thus adding no fuel to the
fire of temper.
·
Such mutual delight in imagination is usually
the basis of a strong bond of affection between Rational parent and Idealist
child, one that is rarely severed.
Rational Parent—Rational
Child:
·
Rational children will listen to reason, and the
older they get the more they will listen. So Rational parents have little, if
any, difficulty in dealing with their Rational children, confident in the
belief that, if they are reasonable in their requirements and expectations,
their children will live up to them.
·
Now, Rational parents might enjoy seeing their
own characteristics mirrored in their offspring, but they must also recognize
their Rational child’s need for social development. Better for NT children to
have at least on SP, SJ, or NF parent to help show them how to get along
smoothly and productively with others.
In Conclusion
Without a doubt, increasing our
success as parents requires us to understand both our children and ourselves,
at least in outline. In the degree that we understand our children’s
personalities, as well as our own pre-set ideas and intentions in raising them,
we stand a good chance of being effective or functional parents, that is, we
can succeed in our function of promoting a positive self-image in our children.
If both parents are functional in this sense, then the family system becomes
functional, with children having no difficulty in acquiring a self-image
positive enough to enable them to become independent and self-affirming adults.
