My Best-Big-Brother Speech: transitional patience and momentary celebrations.

In the aftermath of my oldest sister's wedding (which was wonderful, by the way), I texted her and jokingly asked if she was pregnant yet. We chuckle, pass our thankful/congratulatory words, and I die a little inside; because, I've started, along with a long line of hecklers for years to come, to push my sister and her husband into their next phase of life without giving them time to enjoy what has only just begun.

Now many of you may think I'm looking too much into these typical words joked by typical people, but I am not called to be typical.

This brings me to a conversation I had at the reception: a friend of mine has recently graduated after many transfers and jests about never graduating. Instinctively, one of us in the circle (I can't remember if it was me or not, but it probably was) asked, "so, what's next?" I think being a part of the school system, always having another level to get to, has forced our minds to continually move to what comes next in our lives. In doing this, we can no longer enjoy what achievements we have made, or, if we do, they are short lived due to the snide comments of fools such as myself. "When are you going to get a real person job?", "When are you going to find a nice man/woman to spend your life with?", "Are you getting married?", "When are you having a baby?", "Are you going to have more (before the first one is even out)?"

This is my moment to back-up all of you single people out there: there is nothing wrong with you if you're not married by 22 (or 30, or 50, or 111). God has plans for you as a single person, just as he has plans for people that are married. Marriage it is not the only way God can use a person; in fact, Paul would argue that it is not even the best way God can use somebody. I get so frustrated when I hear comments that suggest otherwise. And if you're a couple that doesn't want to have kids, don't have kids. Travel. Spread love to people that are lonely. Listen to what God has called you to as a couple. I digress...

As I am a married man and I am about to have my first child (<---see!), I've learned that I don't want to spread this impatient disease to that child, but I want to help them celebrate their milestones and discover who God is calling them to be. This is part of the reason that Jenn and I have decided to, even after finding out, not to share the gender (or names were thinking of) with anyone. We want to enjoy the secret, while we have it, and be able to introduce our child to the world as the individual they are to be. I hope that, for my newly married sister and brother-in-law and my gestational child, they learn to ignore the impatience of those around them (specifically of their families) and learn to celebrate the moments that only come once.

Logan and Dan, I'm so excited for you to begin this leg of your journey together. I'm also proud to be able to celebrate, without hesitation or expectation, your happy and blessed marriage together. As the bard sings, "If you need me, call me no matter where you are, no matter how far."

First Thoughts On Becoming a Parent

So, for those of you that have missed the news, Jenn and I are having a baby. 

Here’s our first sonogram (labeled, in case you're not sure if it's an alien or a baby):

 <---- It's a baby.

I digress…

As I consider the implications of becoming a parent I realize that, despite having four younger siblings and knowing about babies relatively well, I know very little about actually being a parent outside of what my own parents have, and haven’t, done. While that is a pretty good start, it still leaves me shaken by the idea of being responsible for a life, a human being.

I think about faith and cultural background (as I listen to the St. Patrick’s Day station on Pandora), family and holidays (not to mention how much travel will change), what life living on a college campus for them will look like, and even down to hoping that they have all their toes (and maybe some extras—that’d be cool). If it’s a girl, do we disregard the princess stereotypes that happen with little girls? (To answer that question, yes… we’re not reinforcing that idea, and if said onesies are bought for her, they will be used as dishcloths, or to dress the garbage in our kitchen.)

Or the opposite (which I may dread even more); how do I show a little boy what it means to be a man, a true man, of God? Ted Smith, a professor at Vanderbilt University, says, “I think we form men in ways that give many men large needs for differentiation, for setting ourselves apart as better-than.” Author Margot Starbuck, goes on to say, in her book, Small Thing With Great Love, “The better-than he’s describing, familiar to many, is anti-Christian. It is contrary to the pattern of self-giving love that God established in Jesus.” And now it’s up to me (and Jenn) to exemplify that self-giving love (whether or not it’s a boy or girl).

Taking away the first few years as a baby and toddler, which I am mostly looking forward to/not too concerned about, it’s when this person becomes their own person that I focus so much of my mind power on. Not out of concern, as maybe I should be having, but out of a fear that I will have failed as a parent in preparing them for the lives that they are being called to.

My continual, humble prayer is that God prepares Jenn and I as parents and, even more so, that this child knows how much her, or his, parents love them, despite mistakes that I know we will make, maybe even because of those mistakes.

A Letter to our Students

“To all those who are loved by God and called to be saints:

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” It has come to our attention that there are a few issues surrounding the Christian community on this campus that should be addressed.

Firstly, we would like to make it clear that it was never our intention to make anyone feel guilty for not being able to make it to one or more events. Perhaps it’s the nature of programming, or the cost of having various groups available to be a part of, but there seems to be an awkwardness that is created when one or more of these groups/activities is separated and elevated. While this was never the plan, we ask that you’d forgive us, and your fellow student leaders, for making this the case. You are college students and we understand that being a student is your primary role. So, to anyone that feels unconnected because you can’t make it to events, disinclined to continue trying to be a part of the community, or otherwise neglected, we apologize.

Secondly, there is a lack of promotional efforts and connectivity for finding fellow Christians on this campus. While it would be nice to have a time and place to always feel welcomed and encouraged by fellow students and faculty alike, our best efforts to do this have failed you. For this we are sorry. There is not enough listening happening from our end and we want you to know that your opinions and ideas are valuable to this community, so please feel inclined to impart such thoughts.

Lastly, after recent conversation with many students, it has become known that it is not effortless to be a Christian on this campus due to both ridicule and discouragement from students and faculty alike. While we have very little control over this, we will still apologize, because this is something that should not be happening to you in such a “tolerant” and “open minded” place of higher education.

As ministers to this campus we can’t help, but feel responsible for many of the issues being addressed above; however, we cannot be the only ones that take this news so earnestly. If these are issues that you are finding true then we must work together towards how things ought to be. Bring your concerns forward for discussion, allow your voices to be heard not only by us, but by your peers, stand up for your beliefs and allow your convictions to hold you to a higher standard then what is expected of you (from yourself and those around you) and let us gather together in order to lift each other up as brothers and sisters in the faith knowing that the victory is already won in Christ. We have nothing to be ashamed of or to fear. As the Psalmist said, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Let us live in this together, as a community of believers, and give confidence to one another in a place of ample discouragement.

“Valiantly bear the Cross,”

Your CCO Campus Ministers:

Jenn and Zane Sanders

A Little Girl in the Waiting Room Reveals My Own Narcissism

The little girl won’t shut up as I try to read my book. I look at her gallingly… Her grandmother shares with us, complete strangers, that the little girl suffered a small amount of brain trauma a few years back. I wonder how a little girl thinks of her self when her family talks about her like she’s not there. The man sitting behind them, looking as though he came directly out of a country song, was the only one who had the nads to ask what happened. The direct and diminutive response from “Grandma” was, “her dad.” Everyone in the waiting room was silent for a while, as if a doctor had come in to announce someone had died. I wonder what happened to her mother, the reason they were at the hospital in the first place. I think perhaps “her dad” got to her mother as well, but then I remember my own black eye and how I got that… The little girl continues vocalizing her thoughts to anyone that would listen and it distracts me enough to keep away from negative storylines. Imagine ‘Forest Gump’ at 5-years old with blond pigtails, polka dot rain boots, and the inability to tell the truth. “Grandma” keeps correcting her as she continually lies to the strangers that sit around me. “I’m in kindergarten.” She was only in her first year of preschool.  I pretend the lying has something to do with her abusive father or even the mother that she waits for at the hospital, but I only come back to her telling the woman that got up to get coffee, “I stoled your seat!” Am I a monster for thinking I can create stories based on the monstrous truths I run into?

At this point, I wonder if another person in the room is creating a similar commentary for me. “Look at that guy sitting over there quietly. I’d guess mid-20’s, I can tell he’s married from the ring on his hand, and a beautiful shiner to match on the left eye… I bet he got into a bar fight.” Or perhaps, after talking to me, they would assume I was breaking up a fight at my little sister’s inopportune wedding with one of the many guests there that disagreed with what was happening. Or, despite the occasional joking from my friends, they would think that my wife had hit me over some scuffle we had over dinner about work or family or whatever… If I were to tell them the truth, that I work with college students and a few of us guys were just wrestling at one of our fellowships, I imagine they would roll their eyes allowing imagination to take back over so they can go back to their enhanced, more enjoyable stories. Perhaps I should just stick to being a monster, picturing other’s stories in the quiet of my seat, instead of imagining what others imagine about me. That sort of narcissism would probably turn me into a bigger monster anyway…

Gently Gregarious: Re-Finding my Inner Child

The introvert stuck inside of me hides, quietly dormant among the late night conversations, the coffee house rendezvous, and the obligated social situations of a forced geniality that I find hauntingly poised, as though I am two people leaching off of one still, yet seemingly unaffected host body.  Although, among this lingering sentiment, I also find the extrovert I could have been if only my intimate reservations would allow me to speak the way I mistakenly portray the world around me. This is suddenly realized when I hear that still quiet voice in the back of my chest, pulling at my heart strings, aching for me to talk to those around me and relate to them in a way I do not wish to. I chuckle to myself when reading Paul’s words, “For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing” (Rom. 7:19). This is undoubtedly humanity explained to ourselves; unabridged, internal genuineness.

My Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are further scrutinized when I’m among close friends, as I seem to burst with vigor and dialogue at times, while at others I find myself quietly convened among these closest of allies sipping on coffee or wine (and longing for the latest book to have crossed my path). This is a mood brought on, not by boredom, but by the common heart of recognition in one another’s good company and the familiarity that it brings. There is an imbalanced spirit at work in my life that neither ebbs nor flows, moves nor stays.  I long for the courage to speak when the time is right and for the foresight to bring along an easily tucked away paperback.

This tension cripples me even more, in the form of entertainment, as I distract myself from the life I could be living if I had only cared enough to be a part of it. Do I have a story to tell that others will one day look back at with fond memories or will I be remembered for my complete and utter dullness? Will I be known as the man that could have been or the soothing, convivial being (with, what Michael Yaconelli called, Dangerous Wonder) who lived fully, despite a lopsided inner self. I long to live with a rampant playfulness, unafraid of outcomes, so focused on living—really living—that both of my inner selves can thrive, gently gregarious, in perfect unison with one another, to ebb and flow to the beat that God desires for the world to see.

Angry Conversations with Myself: Confession

It was Jubilee 2010, before Jenn and I started CCO; in fact, we were there interviewing with different area directors at Jubilee. I was technically still an undergrad student, but Jenn would have been one year out at this time and we were ready to start anew somewhere else. 

I can still remember when she came on stage to speak to the larger group. Susan Isaacs was a name I had heard and a face I had recognized, but was not prepared for what was to happen. Acting out a part from her book, Angry Conversations with God, she spoke with more truth and candid honesty than I had heard any Christian speak before.  So, Jenn and I, obviously, bought her book and were excited to read it. 

I’m not a huge corporate worship person. If I’m honest, it tends to annoy me more than bring me into the presence of God… as a musician I struggle with this (but that is another blog in the making). It was during one of the many worship times I decided to walk out to the Hearts and Minds bookstore setup (http://www.heartsandmindsbooks.com/) in the main lobby. This is where I ran into Susan. I approached her meekly and thanked her for her honesty. I told her that I wish more Christians were as honest with their faith journey; it would make our job much easier. It was at this point that I burst into tears. 

I look back on this moment and ask myself over and over, “What the hell happened there?” I’m not sure what brought me into such a state of heartbreak. I have not had any terrible experiences in the church, or know someone close to me who has. Perhaps it was her story that made me empathetic towards her words, or just the thought of her struggle that so many experience. As I now read her book, I can’t tell you what hit me in that moment, but I must confess: I see a similar confusion and conflict in some of the students I work with, in my friends, family, and even myself. 

Where are my tears now? Why will I not weep when I see the injustices in the world? Or when I see someone struggling with the idea of God’s love for them? Perhaps this will be an ongoing struggle, but for now I want to thank Susan Isaacs for bringing on those tears, as embarrassed as I was at the time, I pray that God can open those ducts of empathy on a more regular, and appropriate, basis.

A Senior Self-reflection

This is another paper I found from my 4th year of undergrad. After reading it not much has changed, but much is to be said about this theme in my life. Perhaps a part-two will follow; after the summer.

A Self-reflection

“There are only questions in art—no answers…

The question is where we are now?  But there is no answer.”

Norman Rosenthal[1]

“…Art, creativity, communication, the enjoyment of beauty

in this context need no justification.  The ultimate justification

is that they come as a good and gracious gift from God above.”

Franky Schaeffer[2]

One of my favorite musicians, Glen Hansard, put it simply like this, during an interview, “I’ve always seen myself as someone who makes a career off of music like in the traditional sense that I live in a village and I’m the musician and that guys the carpenter and you’re the baker… we all have a place.”  God has created us to be image bearers.  Yet, at the same time, He has made us all so very different, each with our own talents and weakness’.  So here lies my problem: I am a Liberal Arts Major with experience in many different fields and not much to show for it. How am I supposed to choose a job that I want to have to pay the bills outside of what God is calling me to be and do? When God called Jonah to prophesy to Nineveh he ran away and got swallowed by a whale. I don’t want to be that guy! I want to follow the path God lays before me… but even I don’t know exactly what that means. Much like the quote by Hansard, some are meant to be farmers and some blacksmiths; in this world-village I am the musician and poet. It is simply what I do, but does God want that from me as a Christian?   

"The commands of Christ can be carried out, should be carried out in daily life. Spirituality unconnected with real existence is like a car in neutral endlessly revving going nowhere, while the occupants pat themselves on the back and delight at the speed at which the engine is turning over. Activity for activity’s sake is what marks present Christianity. It is going nowhere. If the existence of the millions of evangelical Christians the press says exist, if the activity, if the money spent, raised, used, the programs, the bumper stickers, the national efforts, the magazines, if these things are truly accomplishing something, why is culture moving at such devastating speed in the reverse direction? Why is America a pagan state? It is because so often these things are unconnected to redeeming man where he really is in real life, and to areas that really count today—creativity, society, law, politics, etc."[3]

Perhaps this is a better way of looking at how I am to be as a Christian and an Artist; seeing everyone (including myself) where they are in real life and representing that by my words and actions reconciling that with the grace that God gives everyone.

A big part of why I feel that as Christians we should continue being a part of the Arts is in the idea of showing life as it is and there is no one better to imitate then Christ himself in all of the many examples he shows in the Gospels.  One story that particularly sticks out in my mind, for two reasons, is when he stopped the crowd from stoning the woman caught in adultery.  The first reason that I find this story relevant is the fact that when the woman was brought to Jesus and He was asked what should be done—Jesus is drawing in the dirt!  How incredibly beautiful that the God of the universe, when confronted by the sins of a woman, doodles in the earth.  Another reason that this story of Christ’s life forces me to reflect is that it was mentioned in the musical RENT during one of its many songs, “Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn.”  This is a motto of mine that has forced me to look at the world as it is: ugly, wondrous, and filled with inadequacies, and I am no better.  

I find that I have a way with words. Sometimes direct or with an occasional rambling, but I find that when I write the real of me, the heart of me, the Christ in me—comes out and lives, even breathes, for a while, along the page. I find my fingers itching to be placed on six bronzed steel strings during any kind of worship, while I myself critique the words of songs and play with the thesaurus in my head while the rhythmic sound with punctuation rings on my brain like a monkey playing cymbals. Do I do it to feel what is real or do I know what is real because of it? Am I an artist? Am I a child? Am I a slacker? Am I blind? Am I real, me?  These are all questions that I’m not sure have any specific answers (go back to the first quote on this paper); yet, for some reason the mystery behind the questions that art and life bring don’t bother me as much as comfort me in my own endeavors.  Take music for example.

"Music, as we have seen, is so very close to us, lodged deep within our bodies. It is about as down to earth as anything can be. But at the same time, it exists beyond our bodies, connecting us to larger realities. Music is much bigger then we are, pervading the entire universe both in a physical sense and in its transcendent dimensions… Scientists used to think that the smallest particles in the universe were atoms. Then they discovered electrons and protons. Then came quarks. Now scientists have discovered something they call strings. These are like tiny pieces of spaghetti, except millions of times smaller. They vibrate just like the strings on a violin or guitar but at a fantastically high frequency. If the scientists are right, that means that the most fundamental particle in the universe is a vibrating string. Think of it! This offers a new way of understanding a very old idea: the whole creation is singing to God."[4]

Here is the beauty of our Creator at its best.  I’ve always felt that I was created to make something that people can relate to and what better way to relate then the sub-molecules of our bodies joining together in a harmonious joyfulness that allows understanding of the reality that is life?  My existence is for this Christ part of me to escape and make itself found in the hearts of all creation.

While I feel that this paper is me digressing all of the things that are going on in my head and attempting to explain how God has so marvelously ruined my life through art and grace, it’s where I find myself—here in the now—wrestling with God about how to better sharpen my craft and allowing it to be the worship that I continually strive to live and the “mannishness of man”[5] to come out of me. I find that God is calling me to live beyond the norm, to never settle for second best. I want my life to be that of worship, but not just a “praise and worship,” imitation, trendy life to be lived, but a justice filled, loving, and true, worth-living kind of life.

---

[1] Norman Rosenthal, The Christian Imagination, p. 69

[2] Franky Schaeffer, Addicted to Mediocrity, p. 20

[3] Franky Schaeffer, Addicted to Mediocrity, p. 54 & 55

[4] Don Saliers/Emily Saliers, A Song To Sing, A Life To Live, p. 29

[5] Francis A. Schaeffer, Art and the Bible, p. 35