Creativity, Marriage, and How to Keep the Flame Alive. Pt. 2.

So, you've seen my opinion on creativity, marriage, and how I believe they are connected (and why it's important), but now we're going to take a deeper look into what the Bible says. The Old Testament is filled with marriage (particularly since polygamy was practiced in the cultural context of OT times), God blesses it (via Genesis), the Proverbs lift up marriage as good, and Deuteronomy even gives rules as to how newly married Jews were to go about wartime (24:5). Jesus affirms marriage (in both Matthew and Mark) and Paul talks both positively and negatively about it on different occasions (and for different situations). Many have their differing opinions within the church, even making marriage an idol at times, but none of these answers our initial topic on being a bride. More specifically, being the bride of Christ, or the Church (notice the capital 'C'). Isaiah 54:5 says, "your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called,"and nowhere is this described more beautifully then Revelation 19-21.

So, where does this put us?  We have polygamy among many of the Biblical big names, marriage as an analogy for the Church's role in God's Kingdom, and outright discouragement from one of the early church leaders. As a campus minister, I teach our students the Biblical narrative in four parts: creation, fall, redemption, and reconciliation (or consummation, since we're sticking to the marriage analogy). In many circles, the whole story isn't communicated as well as it could be, leaving both creation and consummation on the sidelines, essentially turning our faith into a proverbial ticket to heaven and not a regained completion of relationships with God, self, others', and the earth (yeah, I said that right, the earth...). Without getting too much into that (since this blog is about being the bride of Christ), we need to look at both how we were created to be and what it is that we are going to be to understand our collective role as the bride of Christ. In Genesis, humans were created as image bearers of God. We are literally icons of the one that created us; we were made to care for the earth, create culture, and worship God. That's where it starts... you know how we failed at listening to God, wanting to put ourselves in his place, God spends many years trying to bring people back into relationship with him, sends Jesus to come and fix it, etc. (I am not downplaying the importance of these parts of the story at all, because I believe that everything points to Jesus, just trying to stay on task).

It was cheating, when I was in school, to skip to the end of the book missing all the other important details, but in order to grasp the whole story we're going to do just that. Revelation 19 begins the marriage supper of the lamb. Before you get lost in all of the obscure details of the book of Revelation, let me try to sum up the picture being painted. A bunch of people are waiting to celebrate the most glorious wedding; in fact, they're barely waiting, praising the "groomsman" before he even presents himself to the people. Jesus shows up on a white horse (cue wedding music), Satan is defeated, and the new heaven and new earth are presented (this is the consummation, for those still following this analogy). "...the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'" Heaven and earth meet (on earth) where the groom (Jesus) makes everything new for his wife (the Church). This celebration is the celebration of all celebrations. Heaven and earth become one, God is finally with the people he's been fighting for since day one, and we feast as we bask in the glory of once again being whole, connected to the one we were made for.

This is why marriage is such a good analogy for God's plan of reconciliation. We hear this kind of language many times when talking about the one we love: "you complete me," "I couldn't make it without you," "I swear to be yours forever." This is the dedication that Jesus is asking of us. And not because it's what he deserves (though he absolutely does), but because it's exactly what he gives to us: complete and utter dedication, day in and day out. And this is where we are always brought back to the cross. The life God is calling us to brings us, time and time again, to the foot of the cross. We must understand what has been given up, who has taken our punishment, and live out of that love. I know I haven't hit on everything, but I hope this shows a more biblical approach of what being a bride looks like for each of us.

Earth, Wind, and Fire

If I want to be new I must go through the fire.

Not thrown away like garbage, but refined with desire.

The burn, though it scalds, it is making me strong

And the grace of that pain makes me sing a new song.

We’re stronger in all of our broken down places,

And it’s true that at times I’ve brought on my disgraces,

But I cannot rely on just my own power;

Because I won’t stand alone on the last hour.

The weak will be strong, no more 99%,

All sad things are swept away 

Like your past relationships, broken hearts,

The fear to lose, a death too soon.

Porn, confusion, murder, and hate gone with the breeze,

But I don’t mean to make it sound at all easy.

It hurts to be burned, as it does to face change,

But I’m so damn tired of just being the same.

Take no offense at my language or meter

For we’re all at the edge and ready to teeter.

‘Cause we’re not made to live in a self caused damnation

Where we wait to be taken to some celestial location.

Same old sin, in all the right places;

Consume the consumed and hate others’ offenses,

Tear down all you can without offering a hand,

Afraid to built up, or of taking a stand.

Passion, light, warmth of the soul,

Fire does more then just smolder your core

For it’s not just removing what seems to be bad,

But everything good that’s been warped in our heads.

The “here, but not yet” you’ve heard it been said

While most of us act like the walking dead

Wandering around with our tedious plans,

Not making a difference, just waving our hands.

We clang like a cymbal, resound like a gong,

And tell other people, “It’s not here I belong!”

Then what are we doing? Just biding our time?

Jesus conquered death! Is that why we’re bored all the time?

We’re made for today, and new life to come;

I just can’t believe that our work here is done.

It’s never complete till he filters our sin

Yet we can’t wait for that for our life to begin.

He’s alive! He is here! In us all he abounds,

If we’re fueled with a passion or just making the rounds.

He calls out your name in the softest of words

And waits for his people to stop acting blurred.

Now with one parting question, I’ll stop moving my lips:

Will you go through the fire, in the hopes that it strips

All the death that is clinging to burro inside,

Or avoid any pain and let life pass you by?

Creativity, Marriage, and How to Keep the Flame Alive. Pt. 1.

Being a bit late in my blog-a-week-a-thon, or when writing a song, or in any kind of creative act, sometimes I feel like I need the inspiration or initial idea. Now this goes against everything I've ever been taught about creative writing and life in general. Apologies to my mentors, all around.

Don't we all fall into this same apathetic rut though? "I'll get to that later," but you never do. "I'm not feeling very creative today," or any other day for that matter... It's the same thing when we criticize an idea without bringing anything helpful to the table. Apathetic, critical idealism isn't a breeding ground for creativity; nor is it a place to foster love. 

One of my (many) sisters asked me to write about my thoughts on marriage. Not the general "what do you think about marriage," because obviously I'm all for it, as is she, being married and all. Marriage in the sense of "how you aren't just a bride [or groom] for one day and how you are [the] bride of Christ every day." Now I see the blogs that make their rounds on social media outlets, "Why marriage isn't for you," "I'm dating someone AND I'm married," if only by giving secondhand glances, so this seems to be a topic on people's minds. 

My wonderful wife is a woman of simple taste, so our wedding, while being beautiful and a day to remember, was inexpensive and easy. Okay, it may have been a little more planning on her part, but I know she would agree with me. This isn't to downplay the ceremony of marriage, because it's a wonderful day for the bride and groom, and hopefully their family, but it's just that--a day. Jenn and I planned for that day, but more importantly, we were ready for the many days following the "I dos." We spent the months and weeks beforehand preparing for the inevitable conflicts, discussing our pet peeves and deficiencies, kids, family, insecurities, sex, and where we see God in all of it. And let me tell you, I am so glad we did that, because it saved us many a heartache. If you're considering getting married, be sure you go through some kind of marriage counseling, or at the very least go through those questions together and put the work into your marriage.

Which brings me back to creativity. Some days you don't feel like it, and sometimes we can be critical, but I go back to my previous statement: apathetic, critical idealism isn't a breeding ground for creativity; nor is it a place to foster love. We all could use a little creative love in our lives. It takes work and many pages of junk (just like in writing), but the end result is that much better for it.


See a Biblical perspective at part 2.

"I went to the woods, because I wished to live deliberately..."
Henry David Thoreau

I rarely do resolutions finding them both negatively ritualistic and unrealistic. In the past I've quit something, stopping something unhealthy or unhelpful in my life. This year, as I examined my past year as a husband, parent, son, and friend, I've decided to actually pursue things in my life to make me, and those around me, better. I'm tired of wishing that I would have done something differently, or at all; as my father once told me, "If you don't have goals to reach, that's exactly what you'll get." (At least I think it was, Dad... I probably wasn't really listening.)

So, here are my goals, as I endeavor to better myself in the year 2014: 

• Read 1 book a week (52 book challenge). 
• I attempted this last year, only reaching 20, but it's a goal I would like to reach.
• Read 5 Psalms and 1 Proverb everyday.
• As suggested by N.T. Wright (in The Case For The Psalms, if you haven't read this excellent work I highly suggest it). I rarely read the Psalms, let alone allow them to shape my worldview, so here goes nothing.
• Blog every week.
• I like to think of myself as a decent writer (in the past I've even dreamed of writing professionally), but I'm not a dedicated scribe... One of my creative writing classes in college suggested writing everyday to keep your art in check, so I'm taking baby steps into this whole resolution.
• Confront critical attitudes (of myself and others), attempting to make a positive difference.
• I am a cynic, sometimes proudly so; but, I've found, more often then not, this doesn't add anything to the conversation. So, as a rule, I'm attempting to stifle that reflex and bring helpful ideas and suggestions to whatever I'm mentally critiquing.
• Start making everyday memories.
• Some days are more boring than others. Most of those days are my own fault, as I sit and watch movies for the twenty-third time or play Marvel's Avengers Assemble while trolling on Facebook, and I want to change the way I view my downtime. So, rather then trying to stop these mindless activities (of which we're all guilty of at one time or another), I'm going to attempt to proactively make one memory everyday and write it down. Whether it's as simple as going out to play in the snow with my wife and son, or as time consuming as traveling to visit with long lost friends, at least I'm getting myself into the mindset of making each day count (even for a moment). Next year, I'm hoping to look over all these memories and see how I lived.

So, bring on 2014. I hope, assuming I get to 2015, that this will impact not only my life, but others as well. 

May we all seek to "live deliberately" and "suck out all the marrow of life."

CMYK: The Process of Life Together

Justin McRoberts has been a vital voice in my spiritual formation for most of my life. Introduced to me through his music, Justin’s songs became the words that my heart was longing to sing as an unwitting adolescent. As I grew older, having the opportunity to see Justin perform live, his voice continued to point out the numerous areas in my life that God wanted to speak into. Justin continues translating God’s voice to the deepest parts of me, through his life, music, and now the forthright pages of CMYK, with attitudes of faith and life that I can only hope take root in my daily walk. I thank God that He has chosen to use Justin to open peoples’ eyes to His presence.

Whimsical, convicting, redemptive, candid, hopeful and humble—even heart retching at times—CMYK shows how life together is not painstaking and perfect, but, in many ways, pain giving and yet remarkably good.  Spoken through music, visual art, storytelling, and personal letters, this project has more dimensions to it than the typical book and, when you allow every aspect of it to surround you, it’s unclear if you should laugh or cry, sing or bask in the Truth that is brought forth. The stories shared are far more then anecdotes to inspire us into some form of limited action (though it does call us to a lively action), but with a prophetic voice Justin tells the brutal truth of the human condition and points us to a Creator and a story of the future “that we expect can and will be fulfilled.” CMYK shows us three underlying aspects of life that are rarely discussed (particularly in the church): “the necessary role of relationship in the formation of identity, the essential role of darkness in finding clarity, [and] the basic commonality of seemingly incompatible images.” This is also conveyed through the various mediums used for this project, shining light on the fact that all things belong to God, particularly creativity and Art. Wrapped in grace, this book speaks of the atrocities of the world, not to give them explanation, but to live through them—seeing God in every step of the way.

One of the more endearing qualities of CMYK is the inability to separate the songs and stories from the relationships they stem from, making it “clear that a beautiful and meaningful life is lived and worked together.” Crafting a personal and modern equivalent to Dietrich Bonhoefer’s treasured book Life Together, Justin allows God to speak through the audacious life he has walked with Jesus and others. Whether an account of courting his wife or friends lost along the way, Justin shows us the beauty that is living out of the Truth of Jesus Christ together. CMYK is a must-read for everyone who calls themselves Christian and/or honestly struggles with their spiritual existence, not for instruction or exegesis, but for the rawness and humility of Justin’s own faith journey; because, it’s not just his, but a part of this story we’re all in together.

Parenting

Notes from chapter 8 of David Keirsey’s book, Please Understand Me II.

In our natural zeal to discourage moral weeds from springing up we risk discouraging mental flowers from growing, our parental herbicides killing the good and the bad indiscriminately. The root of the problem is that parents tend to assume that their children are pretty much the same as they are—extensions of their own personality who will naturally follow in their footsteps. But the temperament hypothesis suggests that, in many cases, children are fundamentally different from their parents and need to develop in entirely different directions, so that their mature personalities can take their rightful form. Indeed, parents of other temperament who assume that they share their child’s experience of life—that they know what their child wants or needs, thinks or feels—are usually quite wrong. Or worse.

Parents fail to realize that, from the beginning, their children are very much their own persons and that no amount of disconfirmation, attribution, or intrusion can change their inborn structure. We must allow our children to become actually what they are potentially; in other words, we must let nature take its course by giving our children ample room to grow into their true, mature character.

A mature individual is one whose latent attitudes and actions have become fully developed and habitual. Let us remember that maturation in all [of the] facets of character is an evolving, unfolding, branching, differentiating, expanding process. Organismic psychology [teaches us] that we do not mature as a function of time alone, but that maturation is stimulus induced, which is to say that our character growth must be stimulated, aroused, awakened, and beckoned to come forth into the social environment. Indeed, in the absence of stimulation there is no maturation. This means that the task of the parent is stimulation. But stimulation of a special kind: stimulation that is both timely and relevant to whatever attitudes and actions are ready to emerge. In psychology this is called “the teachable moment; in enterprise, “the window of opportunity.”

This means that overseeing Mother Nature’s project—maturation—requires parents to become child watchers, not child shapers, acting only when they detect a teachable moment or opportunity to encourage the growth of some attitude or action that is consistent with the child’s temperament.  To do this, however, parents must understand what these latent attitudes and actions are. Only then can they find ways to help them unfold and develop. If parents do not know what end to seek—their child’s innate character structure—then they cannot know what means will help stimulate it.

Basic Differences

In trying to understand children of any age we must bear in mind that they, like their parents, will lean toward becoming either utilitarian or cooperative in how they use myriad tools of civilization, and either concrete or abstract in how they communicate the continuous messages of civil life.

First consider tool use. When bid by parents and teachers to use tools in a conventional way, utilitarian children (Artisan SPs and Rational NTs) usually wonder—and some of the bolder ones even venture to ask—“why that way?” or “what’s the use of doing it that way?” For example, to use their knives and forks in a socially correct manner at dinner means little to SP and NT children, so if they act that way it is to keep out of trouble and not an admission that it makes sense to them. Conventions in eating are, after all, arbitrary, and differ radically in different cultures. The mere fact that a given tool is used in a conventional way is not sufficient reason for the utilitarians to use it that way; indeed, it doesn’t bother SP and NT children at all to use tools in unconventional ways, and they don’t give a second thought to ignoring traditions if they can get away with it.

On the other hand, that a given tool is to be used in a conventional or traditional way, or simply because such use is looked upon with favor by their elders, is usually sufficient reason for Guardian SJ and Idealist NF children to conform. Cooperative children are not at all comfortable with questioning authority and testing limits, and they seem to want to know that they are pleasing others with their respect for convention. Little SJs and NFs want to do what’s expected of them, and to fit in with people around them, and so they are inclined to give great power to adults and their rules, and are chary of going their own way and trying out what might be useful changes in how to do things.

The development of word usage looks a lot different from the development of tool usage. Artisan SP children, their word usage predominately concrete, are very much like the Guardian SJ children in this respect, and nothing like their utilitarian counterparts, the Rational NT children. Also, both SPs and SJs tend to speak primarily to other children rather than to adults, and they talk about toys and tools, and how to play with them and make things with them. On the abstract side, Idealist NF children are not at all similar to their cooperative cousins, the Guardian SJ children, in the way they talk, but are more like Rational NT children in showing interest in talking about imaginative thing, in hearing and reading stories, and in talking and listening to adults. Stories especially are the NT and NF children’s joy—and from very early in their lives—but particularly stories of fantasy and far-flung imagination, stories such as fables, myths, and fairy tales, stories filled with magic and sorcery, and with metaphors and symbols. Rational and Idealist kids can be captured by such fanciful stories even before they have the vocabulary to understand what they are hearing, in some cases before the age of two, and will often ask for their parents to repeat them again and again.

The net effect of all this exposure to make-believe is that the fantasy life and abstract vocabulary of Rational and Idealist children grow faster than that of Artisan and Guardian children. Of course, concrete children want to hear stories too, but they tend to prefer straightforward stories about the familiar and the factual, stories with lots of action and realistic details, adventure stories and animal stories, folk tales and Mother Goose stories—“The Three Little Pigs” is a good example. And yet even these stories don’t have quite the pull for little SPs and SJs that any and all stories do for NTs and NFs. In fact, if given the chance, concrete children will rather easily abandon story time for playtime or activity time

In the same way, because Artisan and Guardian youngsters spend their time playing with toys and making things with tools, they acquire a concrete vocabulary and a repertoire of instrumental actions earlier than Idealists and Rationals do. Of course, the relatively few NT and NF children found here and there certainly enjoy toys and handicrafts, but their abstract style of play is markedly different fomr that of SPs and SJs. For example, toys for a concrete child are likely to retain their character—a truck remains a truck, to be used to move dirt, or to deliver things, or to run up and down a road. An NT or NF child, on the other hand, might well turn the truck into a submarine, or a dinosaur, or a flying chariot. And tricycle becomes an ice cream maker, and large cardboard boxes become architectural spaces, and a wardrobe becomes a passageway to a secret world (as in C. S. Lewis’s Narnia stories), and so on.

Again, what is the task—indeed, the responsibility—of parents? First, they must bring themselves to abandon the perspective that says, “my children are, underneath, just like me.” And then they must begin to acquaint themselves with the nature of the character differences in as much details as they can manage. Only by doing so can they hope to facilitate their children’s growth rather than impede it.

The Artisan Child

·      SP children are indeed excitable, able to get excited more quickly and to stay excited longer than other types of children. But just as they are easily wound up, so too are they easily bored, and thus seem ever on the lookout for some sort of risky business or mischief to get into, just to keep things interesting.

·      They need physical movement and novelty, and they love contests.

·      Likely to give their attention for hours on end, and then to stop and move on to the next thing that interest them.

·      To be proud of themselves Artisans must be graceful in some form of tactical behavior.

o   Parents would do well to see to it that their little SPs have many chances to develop some kind of fluency of physical action, so that they can see themselves, and be seen by others, as artistic in some manner.

·      As for self-respect, SP children regard themselves highly when in the degree that they are bold and daring.

o   All things considered, boldness in Artisan children is better encouraged than put down, otherwise they will have little respect for themselves and may take up destructive habits.

·      Self-confident in the degree they see themselves as being adaptable, able to fit smoothly into any situation that they care to enter, whether with their peer groups or with adults in charge.

o   In their own families, however, Artisan from infancy can be seen testing the limits of their immediate environment—and not being very charming about it.

§  So there are two sides to the development of self-confidence in Artisan children; (1) they want to be smooth and sophisticated outside of the home, (2) but are often defiant and contrary with their parents.

·      Little SPs respond to sensory details, noting vividness and variety of colors, sounds, tastes, and so on, which mean they are apt to enjoy coloring books, music, and to be what are called “good eaters.”

·      They are likely to enjoy animals, although they will often be rough with them, just as they are usually rather hard on their toys and clothes, and should be given sturdy, well-made objects that can stand a lot of wear and tear.

·      While showing off is gratifying to some of the other types of children, it is more than gratifying to Artisans—showing off is exhilarating to them. They hunger for chances to stand out, to make a big splash, to hot dog it, and they are more likely to brag about their accomplishments than others.

·      The fun of living in the moment means not paying attention to schedules or planning for the future.

·      Having a good time for an SP child also means getting into messes.

·      Artisans are less likely than other types to understand demands for clean rooms or neat and orderly closets.

o   This carefree, hedonic attitude often leads to a scolding from exasperated parents, but usually to no avail. Early on SP children learn to be indifferent to such reprimands, which usually come too many and too soon.

·      Naturally impulsive and insubordinate.

·      Need no encouragement to be bold and adventurous and to take up sports of all kinds.

The Guardian Child

·      SJ children are concerned about many things, keeping their toys nice, picking up their rooms, helping around the house, pleasing their parents and teachers, and at times this concern can turn to worry and fear that they aren’t being responsible enough.

·      Guardian children are proud of themselves when they show their elders that they can be depended on to do what is expected of them, that they are trustworthy and accountable for all that they should or should not.

·      Guardian children build their self-esteem on their dependability.

·      Doing their best loses appeal if adult approval is not forthcoming

o   Far more than the other types, SJ children will respond to scolding and negative criticism, which can make them try all the more.

·      Guardian self-respect seems to be enhanced when they are serving others.

o   Self-respect can fade away rapidly and be replaced by guilt feelings if they have been less than helpful.

·      Self-confidence depends in great part on being commended for good behavior.

·      Guardian children are the most cautious, looking twice and even thrice before they leap, and therefore seldom leaping.

·      There’s no place like home for Guardian children, and if they go on some sort of trip they are likely to feel homesick more quickly than the rest, and to want to cut the vacation short.

·      SJ children respond happily to well-established, clearly defined routines that bring them predictability.

o   Need to know what is so today will be so tomorrow.

·      Put their trust in authority, and this trust never wanes.

·      Most comfortable following the rules, doing what they’re told, meeting the expectations and the demands of those in authority.

·      More than being secure and legitimate, Guardians, of any age, must belong. There are few loners among Guardian children. Indeed, SJs seem to have a lifelong hunger for belonging, and the more memberships—and the more recognized status in their social groups—they can collect along the path to maturity, the better.

·      Take to family like ducks to water.

o   Divorce is particularly devastating to them, and teenage and preteenage suicides are far more prevalent among Guardians than all the other types combined.

·      Quite often the family’s worry warts.

·      Pessimism is usually not apparent in Guardian children because they are likely to keep their fears to themselves.

The Idealist Child

·      Whether positive or negative, their feelings are easily aroused and sometimes expressed with surprising vehemence. Even at an early age Idealist children seem to be fired with a passionate intensity, and are hardly able to keep quiet about their thoughts and feelings.

·      NF children seem to have a natural talent for relating intimately with others.

·      They look forward to learning in school with keen anticipation.

·      Take pride in their ability to maintain and enhance empathetic relationships with their friends and loved ones.

·      NF children are apt to be almost hypersensitive to the feelings of those closest to them.

·      Devastated by conflict.

·      If their parents spank them, NF children can be deeply hurt, and far more by the cruelty of the punishment than by the pain inflicted.

·      Base their self-respect on their capacity for feeling benevolent toward others.

·      Even as young as five, Idealist children build their self-confidence on being authentic.

·      NF youngsters need their parents to recognize their uniqueness and to personally acknowledge their significance in order to feel they are a valuable family member in their own right.

o   NF kids thrive on an abundance of personalized attention, and the messages they need most are those that say, “You are special; I value you; you are important to me.”

·      The most trusting of all types.

o   Trust authority to a great extent, though their participation tends to be personal and enthusiastic (as opposed to the SJs being more dutiful and solemn).

·      Idealist kids trust the voice of their intuition more than any other of the guides to action.

·      Will make up stories and recount them with vivid imagery.

o   At times, indeed, they may be accused of lying when in fact they are only exercising their romantic imagination.

·      Some caution should be exercised in monitoring the reading material of NF children who can easily become over-stimulated by the disturbing imagery in stories of dragons, witches, ogres, and monsters—all of which can resurface in their nightmares.

o   Parents should try to steer their little Idealists toward stories that have happy endings, with heroes winning, and even villains having a change of heart in the end.

·      Harmonious human relationships are more important to them than anything else.

·      NFs are apt to enjoy non-mechanical toys—soft hand puppets, dolls, stuffed animals—to which they can attach human personality.

·      Idealists are more likely than other types to have an invisible companion.

o   And certainly the rejection or ridicule of this imaginary friend by others would especially crush an NF child, who would feel personally rejected.

·      Peacemakers within their peer groups.

·      Begin wondering about the meaning of life long before other types.

·      Tend to get lost in abstraction and self-absorbed search for meanings and portents.

The Rational Child

·      The calm, tranquil ones.

·      Rational children, especially reserved ones, can seem distant and detached, as if unable or at least reluctant to express affection.

o   But this does not mean that these children are unemotional, for behind their quiet self-possession can be mounting tension from the effort to control their emotions.

·      NT children are erratic about the way they maintain their room and clothes.

·      Apt to have extensive collections: rocks, animal artifacts, coins, stamps, butterflies, and the like; anything that can be collected and which requires technical documentation and classification is apt to have appeal for the NT child.

·      Base their self-esteem on their cleverness and inventiveness.

·      Have a special fondness for busy boards, for construction sets of all kinds (Legos, Lincoln Logs, etc.), and the males will turn almost any object into a weapon of some sort.

·      NTs will spend days learning maps and defeating the enemies in the latest Nintendo adventure.

o   Witness how proud NT children are of themselves when they have mastered any of these strategic operations, but also observe their total frustration when they find one of these high-tech activities beyond their grasp. How ashamed they feel, already blaming themselves for their stupidity.

§  Because of this, parents and teachers are unwise to set Rational children tasks which are beyond them, or to criticize their failures. More than all the other types, NT kids are self-doubting, and for them to feel proud of themselves they must feel smart. They are particularly vulnerable here, with too much failure undermining their self-esteem.

·      Parents and teachers must thus take care: helping NT children when they ask for help, offering them encouragement (not praise), giving them play activities and material appropriate to their development level, these allow them to grow up with self-esteem intact.

·      NTs have an entirely different base of self-respect: they must be autonomous. Rational children don’t like to be governed or directed by others—told how to think, or act, or feel—and they will stubbornly oppose parents or older siblings who try to manipulate them.

o   This is why being spanked is so deeply violating to Rationals; they see this abuse of their body as an unforgiving assault on their autonomy, and their indignation is extreme and permanent.

o   Rational kids want to think, act, feel for themselves, to be independent and self-sufficient, to figure out things for themselves, to go their own way.

o   Rationals self-respect is diminished as long as they feel such dependency, and they experience a growing sense of guilt the longer they remain dependant. 

·      Family routines are arbitrary and as such are bound to be questioned by the budding Rational. Particularly as a child, the NT want to know the reason for doing something; if none is forthcoming, the child is at least hesitant, if not reluctant, to do it.

o   Routinizing NT children takes longer than for the other types, so NTs can profit from coaching in the social niceties.

§  Rational kids don’t see, for instance, what a gold star on their work sheet has to do with them, or anyone else for that matter. And being in receipt of such trifles does not bolster their self-confidence in the least. But strength of will does, and it can show up in NT children very early in their lives.

·      Rational children feel confident in the degree that when they resolve to do something they are able to hold to their resolve.

o   Their self-doubt increases directly as their resolution decreases.

·      Rational children wish to learn how things work.

·      Rationals pursue knowledge, wondering “What would happen if…?” and attempting to find the answer, whether their parents approve or not.

o   None of these explorations are designed to annoy their parents, but to satisfy their desire to find out.

·      Parents do well to be patient and to provide Rational children with answers to their questions, but also to give them abundant opportunities to experiment, to find out, and to develop their own answers.

o   To encourage logical investigation, parents should furnish the NT child with a variety of toys, but only a few at any one time, since the Rational tends to concentrate fully on one thing, explore it to his or her satisfaction, and then move on to the next.

o   Shutting off investigation is likely to occasion disobedience, whether overt or covert.

·      Most important of all, parents would do well to read to their Rational child.

o   Though they will often need encouragement later on in life to put down their books and enjoy themselves—even risk themselves—now and then.

·      Rational children remember every instance in which authority fails to be trustworthy, so that by the time their teens there has grown in many of them an active and permanent distrust of authority (as opposed to the Guardians), and in some cases a large measure of contempt.

o   Neither do Rational children put much trust in their intuition (as do Idealists), nor their impulses (as do Artisans). For their part, Rationals learn to have more and more trust in reason as the basis of action.

·      “Do it if, and only if, it makes sense” is the NT motto.

o   Rational children will go along with a parent or teacher only if their demands make sense, and they quickly lose respect for those who are not reasonable in their rules and reprimands.

·      NT kids can sometime demand more of themselves than they can deliver, so that tension builds as they struggle to rid themselves of error.

o   Once calm and focused, they now become overly tense and high-strung, impatient with everything and everyone around them.

·      Rational kids like nothing better than tinkering and experimenting with any and all devices—anything that can be activated, anything that stores energy which can be released by a touch or a turn or a yank or a pull.

·      They seem to want to spend as little effort as possible in getting the desired result, already seeming to be frustrated with wasted effort.

o   Though sometimes seen as laziness, this is a wrong assumption; rather, it is a focus on efficiency.

·      NT kids have their doubts about almost everything told to them, and must look critically at any plan of action, particularly if based on custom or tradition.

o   This means that rational children need help in understanding that customs and traditions are important to other people, and to the smooth operation of society.

Parent and Child

So: the first task of parents is to recognize the different characters of their children. But parents must also recognize the role their own character plays in their way of bringing up their children.

The Artisan Liberator

            Artisans are usually more permissive with their children than other types, and prone to overindulge more than to overprotection, and to under-supervision more than to over-supervision.

            Operator Artisans (ESTPs & ISTPs) pay less attention to their children’s decorum and physical and safety needs, and more attention to their fun and games and adventures. At times they can be over-extravagant with their children, quite unpredictably showering them with expensive toys and taking them on pleasure trips. At other time, they can be very strict, and even on occasion even harsh with their children, particularly when they tell them to do something—they want no questions asked and will tolerate no back talk.

            Entertainer Artisans (ESFPs & ISFPs), in contrast, are usually obliging and easygoing with their children, themselves very much like children in wanting to have fun now and getting down to business later on. It is hard for them to be strict with their children, but they can compensate for this by being very clever in managing them so that they do not get too far out of line. Their children soon learn that they are not as cleaver as their parents and have a hard time fooling them, whereas they find it much easier to hoodwink adults of other types.

Artisan Parent—Artisan Child:

·      SP children need no encouragement to be bold and adventurous and to take up sports of all kinds.

·      Artisan parents can be so taken with their Artisan children that they fail to give them sufficient limits, reinforcing instead their children’s natural impulsiveness and insubordination.

o   As a result, their children might puch too close to the edge and get into jams; or they might come to expect indulgence and lenience from adults, and thus have trouble with authority.

Artisan Parent—Guardian Child:

·      If SP parents expect (or demand) boldness and impetuosity from their SJ children, they will only frighten and inhibit them, and teach them they are a failure.

Artisan Parent—Idealist Child:

·      NF kids tend to get lost in abstraction and a self-absorbed search for meanings and portents, and the SP’s warm embrace of immediacy can be an important lesson for them.

·      Artisan parents tend not to value in their Idealist children such important traits as authenticity, empathy, and altruism, and in the worst case the parent might show impatience with the child for being so soul-searching, so head-in-the-clouds, or so lost in fantasy, and might want the child to toughen up and take hold of reality.

Artisan Parent—Rational Child:

·      The SP parents’ hands-off style is perfect for NT children, who, after all, want to be independent—to have no hand put on them. Moreover, both parent and child share in a strong and ever-present desire to function usefully and to increase their powers, however much their reasons for doing so differ

·      Rational children need no encouragement to learn new skills and know-how; they’ll do that on their own.

o   But they do need encouragement to put down their books and to enjoy themselves—even to risk themselves—now and then.

The Guardian Socializer

            Guardian parents are mainly concerned with socializing their children. They want their children to do their best to do their duty, and thus to be increasingly helpful and productive at school, at church, at social functions, and certainly at gatherings of the extended family—to become fully a part of their communities. But Guardian parents also want their children to value their duty and want to obey.

            Administrator Guardians (ESTJs & ISTJs) tend to be strict parents because their main concern is that their children do what is right and not do what is wrong. They regard it as their obligation to the family and the community to keep their children under watchful eye lest they stray from the fold. Their children must behave in a seemly manner and must not do things that reflect badly on the family. These are the parents who believe that punishment is the best way to keep their kids in line, and they will at times resort to corporal punishment to get their point across—to spare the rod, they believe, is to spoil the child.

            Conservator Guardians (ESFJs & ISFJs) are usually less strict than Administrator Guardians, and this is because they are more concerned with looking after the children than they are in keeping them in the straight and narrow. First their children are to be well fed, clothed, and sheltered, and only then held to a strict standard of acceptable conduct. So conscientious are these parents in providing for the physical and safety needs of their children that they can sometimes be overprotective, willing to sacrifice their own comforts to safeguard their children from the world of hard knocks. For this reason Conservator Guardian parents are not given to spanking their children, though they are very likely to scold them when their conduct is improper or they are disobedient. If they do spank their kids (and often they must, to be good parents), they will say “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” with the little culprits wondering what on earth they mean by this.

Guardian Parent—Artisan Child:

·      In most cases SJ parents and their SP children get along famously, especially while the kids are young, a short leash being just the thing for the normally impetuous little Artisan puppies. But the picture can change quickly.

o   Scolding and spankings can usually backfire, as Artisan children get older, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Most of this antagonism can be avoided if SJ parents can support their SP children in productive activities—playing sports, forming a rock band, using tools—that allow them to shine in action.

Guardian Parent—Guardian Child:

·      Guardian children rarely have a rebellious period, but seem to trust in authority, to follow rules, to be responsible, and so fit with their Guardian parents hand-in-glove.

·      SJ kids would do well with a more carefree and optimistic model from at least one of their parents. Also, traditional, conservative Guardian parents often want their children to be quiet and in their place—to be seen and not heard—as if children’s obedience and modesty reflect on them as parents and show a proper upbringing.

o   But such humility can only serve to further inhibit SJ children, who are over-controlled to begin with, and who often need encouragement to develop venturesomeness.

Guardian Parent—Idealist Child:

·      NF kids are naturally moral and eminently cooperative.

·      It can bee irritating when SJ parents come along and remind them to be reliable (which NFs naturally are), to do good deeds (which NFs do because they have good intentions), and to be respectable (which NFs are because they are naturally cooperative).

o   The unintended result of such intrusion is that the SJ parent, and not the NF child, takes credit for the child’s good behavior, which can make the little Idealist feel dominated and manipulated.

Guardian Parent—Rational Child:

·      This relationship works out quite well when SJ parents show regard for their little NTs’ fierce sense of autonomy.

o   However, discipline can be a knotty problem. If the SJ parent tries to admonish or punish the Nt child into obedience, the child will feel personally violated and will likely respond with growing contempt.

The Idealist Harmonizer

            NF parents want to be intimately involved in their children’s lives and the growth of a positive self-image, and so make every effort to keep themselves in touch and en rapport with their children, even into adult life. Idealists are the original touchy-feely parents, and always hope to help their children feel good about themselves.

            For their part, Mentor Idealists (ENFJs & INFJs) tend to take on an active teaching and counseling role with their children, and can be quite energetic in encouraging them to develop in all three aspects of self-image—self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence.

            Advocate Idealist (ENFPs & INFPs) are also determined to foster a healthy self-image in their children, and are ever alert for opportunities for cognitive and social growth. But these Idealists, perhaps more intensely than their counterparts, concern themselves with their children’s moral and spiritual development, and so work to establish an even closer bond of understanding with them, hoping to instill in their children the purity of their own ideals.

Idealist Parent—Artisan Child:

·      Idealist parents tend to be puzzled by the Artisan child’s disinterest in fantasy and heart-to-heart sharing, and by the accompanying paucity of empathy for other members of the family.

Idealist Parent—Guardian Child:

·      Unable to figure out the child’s nature, Idealist parents keep looking for signs of Idealism, convinced that the child is going to value what they value.

Idealist Parent—Idealist Child:

·      Idealist parents want to enhance the traits of empathy, benevolence, and authenticity in all their offspring, and their Idealist children are happy to meet them more than half way.

o   At the same time, NF kids and NF parents can easily rub each other the wrong way. Both tend to be touchy and prickly in their relations with others, and when their ideals come into conflict they can hardly avoid irritating each other.

Idealist Parent—Rational Child:

·      There are many reported cases attesting to the strong tie that can form between Rational children and their Idealist parent.

o   And yet this relationship is not quite made in heaven. Idealist parents can be dismayed by the Rational child’s sometimes ruthless pragmatism and calm autonomy.

·      Rational children aren’t about to change their ways, and Idealist parents soon learn that they need to let their little Rationals be, and value them for what they admire in them, their ingenuity, imagination, curiosity, and calm reasonableness.

The Rational Individuator

            Rational parents encourage an ever-increasing individuality in their children and do not impose unreasonable rules on them. It is of paramount importance to NT parents that each and every child in the family progressively increases his or her repertoire of capabilities, and is ever more self-reliant in conducting his or her life. Rational parents stand ready to assist their children in reaching their potential, whatever it might be, but they will neither nag their children nor shield them from the consequences of putting off the task of individual development.

            Many Rationals figure out that, when their children abuse one of their privileges (eating with family, playing with toys, etc., seeing these things are privileges rather then rights), instead of scolding, admonishing, hitting, or even reasoning with them, all they need to do is simply remove the abused privilege immediately and unconditionally for a set period of time, making sure not to comment about their child’s behavior.

            On the one hand, Coordinator Rational (ENTJs & INTJs) leave nothing to chance when it comes to watching over the maturation of their children. The parenting books have been read, the parenting magazines have been subscribed to, the parenting techniques have been researched and considered—the whole thing is planned out well in advance with all important contingencies factored in. After all, many of these NTs are capable of running large organizations, so running a family is done with little difficulty and with little doubt as to the right course to take.

            On the other hand, Engineer Rationals (ENTPs & INTPs) are more puzzled by their children than they are certain of what to do with them. Unlike the pother Rationals, they have few if any set plans for raising their children, but simply wonder how it is with each of them, and try to find out by watching them and asking questions of them. These NTs are the least given to making their children like them—the only thing they expect of their children is that their children expect things of themselves. They figure that if they are reasonable with their children and do their best to help them grow they will turn out OK in the long run.

Rational Parent—Artisan Child:

·      The pragmatic perspective of Rational parents serves them well in overseeing the maturation of an Artisan child.

·      Rational parents follow along in the trail of their Artisan child’s impetuous doings and try their best to corral the child with firm limits which can stand up to the child’s inevitable and vigorous testing.

o   It is in the case of the Artisan child that Rational parents can most effectively apply the principle of logical consequences and the method of immediate and unconditional removal of any privilege that the child abuses, however accidental.

Rational Parent—Guardian Child:

·      Rationals find their relationship to Guardian children somewhat problematic and sometimes frustrating.

o   Rational parents are, in fact, bothered by their Guardian child’s attempts to fit in socially.

·      It is well that Rational parents step aside and let their mate oversee the maturation of the Guardian child into the pillar of society he or she is meant to become.

Rational Parent—Idealist Child:

·      Given neither to scolding nor to spanking their children, Rational parents quickly learn that the thing to do with irritability is to back off and quietly observe what transpires, thus adding no fuel to the fire of temper.

·      Such mutual delight in imagination is usually the basis of a strong bond of affection between Rational parent and Idealist child, one that is rarely severed.

Rational Parent—Rational Child:

·      Rational children will listen to reason, and the older they get the more they will listen. So Rational parents have little, if any, difficulty in dealing with their Rational children, confident in the belief that, if they are reasonable in their requirements and expectations, their children will live up to them.

·      Now, Rational parents might enjoy seeing their own characteristics mirrored in their offspring, but they must also recognize their Rational child’s need for social development. Better for NT children to have at least on SP, SJ, or NF parent to help show them how to get along smoothly and productively with others.

In Conclusion

           

Without a doubt, increasing our success as parents requires us to understand both our children and ourselves, at least in outline. In the degree that we understand our children’s personalities, as well as our own pre-set ideas and intentions in raising them, we stand a good chance of being effective or functional parents, that is, we can succeed in our function of promoting a positive self-image in our children. If both parents are functional in this sense, then the family system becomes functional, with children having no difficulty in acquiring a self-image positive enough to enable them to become independent and self-affirming adults.